The Power of Supporting Your Partner’s Goals
How backing each other’s aspirations strengthens relationships
When we first married, my wife, Emily, had just finished college and was running a small tutoring business on the side. I’d already spent a decade in the military and was working at a geopolitical think tank, leading part of its creative team. We were the carefree couple — no kids, plenty of vacations, and dining out whenever we felt like it. My salary made life comfortable, and Emily’s income was just a bonus. But in the middle of purchasing our first home, I approached her and said, “I think I’m supposed to quit my job.”
For the last few years, I’d been volunteering with a startup nonprofit. The organization had been started by the vocalist of one of my favorite metal bands, Jake Luhrs of August Burns Red, and worked in the mental health field. After returning home from the Iraq and Afghan wars, I lost a few friends to suicide, while several others struggled with mental illness and post-traumatic stress. I wanted to help, and when I found Luhrs’s organization, I volunteered my time and talents. Within a year, I was handling the finances, logistics, creative endeavors, and resource creation, all while ensuring we secured a spot at Vans Warped Tour to scale the organization and get our name out. I knew I’d found my calling, but the entity had no money to pay me.
Jake called me one afternoon, and I explained that the amount of responsibility had become untenable. He asked me to quit my job, fundraise some of my salary, and come work for the organization.
“Jake,” I scoffed, “we have no money. You know as well as I do that I run our finances.”
Jake remained undeterred. “Think about it and pray on it. If this is what you want to do, the doors will open.”
Asking people for money you don’t have to bolster a fledgling nonprofit sucks. Informing your wife you’ll take a 60% pay cut and have to raise the money is terrifying. However, when I sheepishly approached her with the idea, she didn’t argue, tell me I was crazy, or say we couldn’t make it on such a reduced salary. After all, we were under contract for a new home.
What inspired both of us was watching one of my best friends quit his job to become a writer and keynote speaker. Like me, he approached his wife one evening and told her he felt he should quit his job and pursue writing and speaking. Like Emily, she didn’t laugh, but agreed to his seemingly insane idea. What no one tells you about chasing a dream is that it requires sacrifice, especially when one of you wants to upend your comfort to pursue it. One party will always foot more of the bill. In my friend’s case, his wife ended up having to work longer hours to support his writing career. The gamble paid off — he became a Wall Street Journal best-selling author and sought-after keynote speaker. A few years after his success, he told me they were moving to Charleston, South Carolina. Devastated by the thought of losing my friend, I asked why and tried to convince him to stay.
“It’s time to support my wife’s dream,” was all he told me, grinning. The revelation hit, and I encouraged him to go.
Emily and I had both witnessed their love and sacrifice. Had we not had such a powerful couple to emulate, I don’t know if we would have taken as many risks in our marriage to support each other. And by God, did we risk to chase after our dreams, goals, and aspirations.
In 2013, I quit my corporate job, took the pay cut, and started making $28,000 a year as the executive director of Jake’s startup nonprofit. Emily carried the weight and majority of our bills for a good two years. By 2020, I’d gotten a book deal, but we were also the proud parents of a three-year-old and an infant, which made writing difficult. We also moved to Colorado just as the pandemic hit, something she wasn’t too keen on initially. Then, in 2022, I approached her once more and said, “I think it’s time for me to quit my job and launch my own company.” Once again, she agreed.
Then, in 2023, the tables reserved.
Emily brought up the idea of starting a business hosting romantic, fantasy-inspired events. While I didn’t understand the genre, I didn’t laugh or dismiss it. Instead, I thought of all the sacrifices she had made for me and threw my full support behind her — because she had always been the one who pushed me toward greatness.
My wife has been my greatest champion, and every success I’ve achieved is a direct reflection of her unwavering support. My memoir went on to win six major literary awards, and I’ve been able to speak across the country to businesses and alongside influential thought leaders. Here’s what no one tells you about chasing dreams and building a business, though: your most crucial partnership isn’t with a co-founder, investor, or client — it’s with the person you marry/date.
If they don’t support your aspirations, if your home life is a wreck and your kids hate you, then good luck. Regardless of how talented you are, how much money your business makes, or the awards you win, if your relationship with your spouse or partner sucks, it will bleed into every crevice. Just look at those divorced hustlepreneurs. So how can you support your partner, even if you think their dream might be half-baked? Here are four key elements Emily and I have used to our advantage that will help you avoid conflict, burnout, and set you up to support one another.
1) Treat their dream like it’s yours
Everyone has a dream. It’s just most times we’ve convinced ourselves the dream is stupid. We’ll berate ourselves and the futility of our idea long before we ever begin. The biggest skeptic will always be you, so if your partner douses cold water on your dream, you’re more apt to believe them and give up. This is why it’s vital to treat their dream like it’s yours. Suspend your what-ifs, cynicism, or even objective criticism, and think about your own dreams. How would you feel if they squashed the spark? Instead, think of what you personally want to accomplish and how invigorated you’d feel if you had your own hype squad in the form of your spouse or partner. Catch their vision the same way you’d want someone to buy into yours.
There’s a phrase my wife and I often repeat when we’re in a heated argument that’s going nowhere: “Same team.” We have to remind ourselves that despite the conflict, we’re still on the same team. Supporting your partner’s aspirations gets much easier when you have someone on the “same team” who believes in your vision as much as you do.
2) Find out what support they need and offer it
In many couple arguments, there’s a phrase oft repeated: You’re just not hearing me! You can be listening and totally miss what it is they want from you. That could be encouragement, a listening ear, feedback, or a sounding board. I tend to want to fix any problem that arises, and I’ve realized that this approach isn’t always helpful in my marriage. A phrase I often ask my wife now is, “Are you telling me this because you want me to fix it, or because you want me to listen?” Ninety-nine percent of the time, she wants me to listen (unless it’s a broken toilet).
In the same respect, once you treat their dream like it’s your own, it’s not time to become the co-founder or vice president. Remember: it’s their dream. Are they struggling? They might need encouragement. Perhaps they need a different perspective. Maybe they need a brainstorming partner. You won’t know until you ask, so make sure you’re communicating that you’re there to offer the support they need, not what you think they do.
3) Present concerns as questions that are confident of their capabilities
When I quit my job in 2013 and again in 2022, income and paying bills were glaring questions that had to be addressed. The whole Field of Dreams mentality — if you build it, they will come — is not a reality for most entrepreneurs or creatives, and my wife was not naïve enough to let me jump out of the proverbial plane without a parachute. In the military, we have a saying about how to avoid winging it on a hope and a prayer: Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance. The reason we say this is because hope is not a good plan, and hoping it all works out for your partner is irresponsible. It’s not really support, either. However, you don’t want to crush their dream with a swift reality check. Instead, trade negative comments for curiosity — How would you handle this if X or Y happened? What do you think the biggest challenges will be? What you want to convey to your partner is that they’re confident and capable of solving the problems and concerns that will naturally arise.
4) Brainstorm who you could connect them with that could help
Most people will tell you that if you’re looking for a new job, your odds of getting hired dramatically increase if you have an in with the company you’re applying to. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s less about your abilities and more about whom you know when applying for jobs. When I got my book deal in 2020, one of the first intake questionnaires my publisher had me complete was a list of people I knew who could be influential in promoting my book. Naturally, I had my list, but I also went to Emily and asked for her input. She had connections in her sphere of influence that might lead to even bigger opportunities. Your partner just might have the keys to connect you to the right people who can help. The last thing you want to do is let your hubris play a part. Be humble enough to ask for help by getting introduced to the people who can help you catapult your dreams into reality.
In the end, supporting your partner’s dreams isn’t just about sacrifice — it’s about building something bigger together. Emily’s unwavering belief in me helped turn my wild ideas into a reality, just as I’ve stood by her through her own aspirations. The success we’ve achieved isn’t mine or hers alone; it’s a testament to what happens when two people are truly on the same team. Your partner is your strongest ally in the pursuit of greatness. When you champion each other’s goals, you don’t just fulfill dreams — you build a life worth dreaming about.